Category Archives: Humor

Day 108 10/11/13: Shark Fins for Vegans

by in Environment, Humor, Vegetarianism/Veganism | Leave a comment

My friend Renee & I went to check out the new Viva La Vegan store in Santa Monica.

I spotted this immediately:

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While I applaud the non-animal alternative, even the vegetarian version of shark fin sort of creeps me out.  Fortune was with us, as Viva La Vegan offered an array of extremely delicious samples from quiche, pad Thai, salad, pizza, and coconut and kale chips and lovely Japanese ice tea sweetened with tapioca. Amid the typical things like crystal rock deodorant  I found odd products like gluten-free ice cream cones, every sort of fake meat product (see above) and vegan hobby glue so that enlightened crafts people don’t have to assemble popsicle stick houses with hoof-based adhesive. The vegan donuts imported from Las Vegas looked amazing, but too much sugar sends me on a melancholy bender, so I abstained. Wandering the specialized aisles, I wondered if vegan children might be humiliated and beaten at school if anyone discovered (or smelled) their “blue algae nut butter” and jelly sandwich.

After eating until we were swollen, Renee and I headed to the beach. An hour passed effortlessly. I’m truly blessed to have friends willing to help me pick up trash. (thank you all).  We walked along the sun-drenched beach collecting cigarette butts, old balloons, and a stubby pencil that read PROTECT OUR COASTS AND OCEANS, we exchanged ghost stories. Renee paused to draw in a map of her grandmother’s house in the sand, indicating with her big toe a hallway down which she’d seen a mysterious man pass by. I mentioned the figure of a fog-colored boy I’d seen in Massachusetts. We found an abandoned sand castle with a drawbridge made of driftwood. Everything felt immediate and far off.

A day rich in companionship and natural beauty makes me feel more generous and even the abandoned, half-buried plastic cup decorated with children and animals that urged the drinker to Respect Nature seemed, however ironic, at least somehow well-intentioned.

Day 102 10/5/13: The Shark Ate My Homework

by in Humor, Meme, Pop Culture, Shark Behavior and tagged , | Leave a comment

Reviewing the student responses to Ralph Collier’s lecture, I’m pleased that the majority wanted to hear more about shark conservation and that Ralph’s amazing stories about great white behavior made many of them realize that “fish can be smart.”

Ah students! They invent such striking turns of phrase. Ralph showed a video of a shark releasing a cloud of waste over a diving cage, and someone referred to this phenomenon as the “shark farting.” This was no fart. The shark rained shit and piss, but I have never read the words “shark” and “fart” in close succession and I must say there’s a playful musicality to the term.

I figured I get a lot of “pray” instead of “prey” (or even “preys”),  for this assignment, but this sentence exceeds my expectations: “Mr. Callier explained how sharks can be very specific with where they hunt their praise.”

When a white shark sinks his teeth into the edge of a kayak, is he simply saying, “Look at me, for Chrissakes. Love me as I am–with my lurid gums and sandpaper skin and efficient torpedo design? How many more femoral arteries do I have to sever to get a little attention?”

Sigh. Sharks Have Needs

Day 99 10/2/13: Ten Terrible Shark Jokes

by in Art, Humor, Pop Culture and tagged | Leave a comment

Who knew there was such a genre?

Shark Jokes for the erudite:

Q: What was the shark;s favorite James Joyce novel
A: FINnegan’s Wake

Q: Who was the shark’s favorite Norwegian painter?
A: Edvard Munch!

Q: Who was the shark’s favorite 20th century art figure?
A: Marcel DuChomp

Here’s one for the scientific crowd:

Q: What do shark trees consist of?
A: Elasmobranches!

Film geeks might like these:

One of several versions of the painting "...

One of several versions of the painting “The Scream”. The National Gallery, Oslo, Norway. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)ally stupid:

Q: What is a sharks favorite Dustin Hoffman film?
A: Midnight Caudal

Q: Who is the shark communitys favorite 1950s film actress?
A: Dorsal Day

One for the playground:

Q: What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich
A: Peanut butter and jellyfish!

Just stupid enough for me:

Q: Why aren’t there any shark puppeteers?
A: They have no hands!!

Q: Why did the mommy shark and daddy shark get divorced?
A: They no longer loved each other.

Q: What was the shark jazz musician’s favorite illegal substance?
A: Reefer!

 

 

Day 85: 9/18/13: Thank You, Ghost Shark

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I have to admit, after showing Sharkwater to my class with its gruesome finning scenes, reading about the devastating effects of shark overfishing on coral reefs, and wondering if any of my teaching or writing or petitioning or protesting was doing any good at all, I was brought back to life by these amazing spectral GIFs from  the no-doubt horrible tale of cinematic revenge known as “Ghost Shark.”

When I have more imaginative energy, I want to write a more worthy analysis of this multi-layered masterpiece…..

Day 83 9/16/13: Sand Tigers & Sex Ed

by in Education, Humor, Shark Biology | Leave a comment

I marvel at how often discussions of animals illuminate human ignorance.

Why just today I was sharing this fascinating L.A. Times article on intrauterine cannibalism in sand tiger sharks with one of my classes. Although we’d already touched on this evolutionary oddity  (embryos chewing through womb walls to eat their sibling competitors),  I felt the subject deserved another go-round. I didn’t have much to add to the discussion except “Wow. Can you believe it?” until I neared the end of the piece and read this:

“In captivity, an alpha male sand tiger shark will guard a female when she shows signs that she will soon start ovulating.”

At various times in my illustrious career, I’ve been stunned by the dearth of knowledge that males between the ages of 19 and 25 have about female reproduction. Simply put, most guys in my classes have no idea what a period means. When I casually inquired if any males knew what ovulation meant, one fellow answered confidently, “When a girl has her period.” I made the sound of the losing game show buzzer. The girls giggled.

One young man finally explained eggs and fertility in an economical and tasteful way as his brethren looked on like hostages at the Lillith Faire.

I tried to lighten things up by asking the class to imagine if intrauterine cannibalism existed in humans.

I don’t think they quite get my particular brand of humor.

English: Sand Tiger Shark

English: Sand Tiger Shark (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Day 79: 9/12/13: The Lonesome Death of Mr. Jaws

by in Education, Humor, Jaws, Pop Culture and tagged , , | 6 Comments

I wrote a letter to the New Yorker re: their recent piece “Cape Fear” which is largely about OCEARCH. I tried to keep it brief, mostly questioning why they use  brutal hook and haul methods, outdated tagging etc. Despite their current status as media darlings, I do believe people will eventually see the truth about OCEARCH’s shoddy science and macho spectacle.

I also learned about the suicide of Dickie Goodman, the zany mastermind behind my well-worn and much loved 45 of “Mr. Jaws”  (#4 in 1975), not to mention earlier gems as “Energy Crisis ’74,” “Batman and his Grandmother” & “Frankentstein meets The Beatles.” Dickie shot himself back in 1989, but I didn’t find out until today when I decided to play a Youtube clip of “Mr. Jaws” for my baffled students. They laughed exactly once. “What IS this?” someone finally asked. Thank God they’d heard of Weird Al, so I could briefly outline the novelty record genre, although I just couldn’t summon the energy to explain K-Tel. Image

Day 76 9/9/13: Mourning, Millennials & Melodrama in “Jaws”

by in Activism, Animal Rights, Education, Humor, Inner Turmoil, Jaws, Marine Conservation, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

I had to remind myself to take a deep cleansing breath when I noticed a few of my students texting during “Jaws” today. Later, one of the guilty boys confessed the movie was “just too scary” and with the acute senses of a predatory fish (or a fellow neurotic), I detected residual fear in the shuffling way he gathered his books and hid his eyes behind a lank of  dark hair.

Several people laughed when the bereaved Mrs. Kintner slaps Chief Brody in the face for keeping the beaches open and letting her son Alex get chomped. Is this a kitschy moment? Perhaps. But I always found the scene too odd or mysterious to be pure melodrama. The black-veiled Mrs. Kintner is accompanied by a silent old man who might be her father or grandfather and the two of them progress in some odd inversion of a  wedding march toward Brody.

As Antonia Quirke noted in her BFI essay on “Jaws”: “She’s much older than the other mothers at the waterfront. This child was her last chance” (35). Quirke also notes that a slap in the movies normally stands in for sex, but “[t]o be slapped by Mrs. Kintner in mourning is like being kissed by a skeleton, it has that disquieting taboo mixed in” (36).

The book store ran out of my shark texts which may have explained this group’s lack of enthusiasm for uterine cannibalism or the ampullae of Lorenzini. So other than typing up a quick shark biology quiz, I’ve been checking in with the STOP OCEARCH activists. Sad to hear that the New Yorker did a story about OCEARCH (thanks for the tip, Connie), but pleased to know that a film exposing these charlatans (Price of Existence) and other marine exploitation is in the works. I’ll try to do what I can to help with the fundraising/consciousness raising for this project.

Shark Attacks, Consumes Christian Fundamentalists

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Shark Attacks, Consumes Christian Fundamentalists

Hoping to settle the long-standing debate about whether Jonah was swallowed by a whale or a shark, Sarah Sprague and Ruth Tippit, two Biblical literalists, eagerly dove into the waiting jaws of a 16-foot white shark armed only with a candle stub and a book of soggy matches. This photo, taken by their pastor, Reverend Foote, shows the brave zealots’ final glimpse of planet Earth—the chum-slick waters off Anacapa Island.